


A Day In The Life

by dragonwrangler



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel 616, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., S.H.I.E.L.D. (Marvel TV), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Contest Entry, Gen, S.H.I.E.L.D. Undercover Contest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-27
Updated: 2013-03-27
Packaged: 2017-12-06 16:45:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/737887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonwrangler/pseuds/dragonwrangler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Agent Coulson's first day back on the job after the Battle of New York.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Day In The Life

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by erebusodora's [S.H.I.E.L.D. Undercover contest](http://erebusodora.tumblr.com/post/42774885206/s-h-i-e-l-d-undercover-le-contest) and borrows a bit from the 616 universe.

** 1. **

**SECURITY FILE 24935/FRD5, AUDIO ONLY  
LOCATION: OFFICE OF THE EXECUTIVE SECRETARY TO THE DIRECTOR OF S.H.I.E.L.D.**

Agent Malasharee RASALI: You’re late.

Agent Phillip J. COULSON: According to my watch I’m five minutes early unless time’s started moving at a different pace inside Central. Don’t tell me someone found another cube…

RASALI: Very funny.

_Thump._

RASALI: According to this file here, medical put you down as mobile six weeks ago which means you are now six weeks late in delivering your After Action Report.

COULSON: I gave the boss my AAR ten weeks ago.

_8 seconds of silence._

COULSON: Right. Next time I’ll be sure to give it to you first.

RASALI: Or at least make sure the Director is recording your report so I don’t have to transcribe out all the swearing and rants he tends to embellish things like that with. Here; need you to sign these before we can let you get back to work.

_Sound of rustling paper._

COULSON: They raised my life insurance premium again?

RASALI: You died this time, Phil—you’re lucky they even reinstated your life insurance.

COULSON: True. That should be all of them unless you’ve got one more you need signed in blood

RASALI: No; you can just have medical send me a pint later.

COULSON: I’ll be sure to do that. What’s first on the docket?

RASALI: Blake. He’s having… personnel issues.

COULSON: Ah.

RASALI: Figure out what the problem is. If I get one more email suggesting that his new assistant is ready for field duty—preferably somewhere in the Artic sector—I’m going to use him as my moving target during my next pistol recertification.

_Sound of a chair moving._

RASALI: Here-- your badge, pistol, phone, com unit and a note from Q.

COULSON: A what?

COULSON: “Next time you want to play with one of my toys, Coulson, ask me how it works first.”

RASALI: That brings up the second item on your docket for today. Q wants to test out a new scout ship design based on some reverse engineering R&D did on one of the Chitauri vehicles we recovered. He’s requesting you and Calvary as his guinea pigs this time around; Melinda because of her affinity with anything that flies and you because you went and took Q’s new gun and blew a hole in the Helicarrier with it before he had a chance to play with the thing himself.

COULSON: It was the biggest gun we had that might have had a chance of stopping Loki.

RASALI: Feel free to try that argument on him when you get there, Phil. I’m guessing the boss okayed the request to make sure at least one agent involved had enough sense not to take the thing on a test drive through downtown Manhattan.

COULSON: No; he okayed it because he’s still pissed off I went and got myself killed.

RASALI: That too. After Q’s done with you, get with Sitwell. We’ve had a rash of supposed ‘genuine’ alien memorabilia from the Battle of New York popping up for sale on eBay.

COULSON: Didn’t we recover everything?

RASALI: We thought we did which is why we want to know where they’re getting their ideas from because they’re damn good copies. We’re trying to track down the dealer but he’s been using patsies and cutouts. Sitwell can fill you in on where the investigation is.

COULSON: If I survive Q I’ll be sure to track Sitwell down. Anything else?

RASALI: I have orders from on high to take it easy on you today so no; that should do it.

COULSON: Which on high?

RASALI: Both of them.

COULSON: Ah. Thanks?

RASALI: Whatever. Just remember that tomorrow the gloves will be off.

COULSON: I’ll keep that in mind.

RASALI: And agent Coulson…

COULSON: Yes?

RASALI: Good to have you back.

** 2. **

**SECURITY FILE 24986/FROO8, AUDIO ONLY  
LOCATION: OPERATIONS OFFICE**

Claire WISE: I am so bored right now, Bennie!

Benjamin POLLACK: What’s the starched shirt got you doing now?

WISE: Absolutely nothing; just like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that one and yada yada yada. I swear I’m going to die of boredom over here. You think this is Sitwell’s revenge for almost shooting his head off?

POLLACK: Probably. Or revenge on Blake for giving him our case to deal with. Look, I’ve gotta go; try not to get into too much trouble or anything. See you tonight.

WISE: Yep. See ya.

WISE: Okay then, let’s kick up the jams!

_Music playing._

WISE (SINGING): With the lights out,  
WISE (SINGING): it’s less dangerous.  
WISE (SINGING): Here we are now,  
WISE (SINGING): entertain us.

_Sound of chair rolling._

WISE (SINGING): I feel stupid,  
WISE (SINGING): and contagious.  
WISE (SINGING): Here we are now,  
WISE (SINGING): entertain us.

_Door opens. Chair stops. Music stops._

COULSON: Agent Wise.

WISE: Uh, hi there agent… Coulson? That is what that badge says, right? Little hard to read it sitting like this. What can I do for you?

COULSON: Would I be correct in assuming you passed the chair maneuvering class with flying colors?

WISE: There’s a class for that?

COULSON: Fastest way to get away from someone shooting at you when you’re sitting behind a desk.

WISE: Uh huh. Is there a poker face class too? Because I’ve noticed you guys have that look down.

COULSON: That’s part of the “Welcome to Level Two, Agent’ Introduction Class.

WISE: Right. Mind if I sit up? Think I’m going to pass out if I keep sitting like this.

COULSON: Fine by me. Wouldn’t happen to know where I can find agent Blake by any chance?

WISE: He went that-away.

COULSON: Thank you for narrowing my choices down by fifty percent.

WISE: Glad to help.

COULSON: Is this the eBay case file?

WISE: Yep. I should probably ask if you’re cleared to look at that.

COULSON: I am; are you?

WISE: Probably not.

COULSON: Hm. Did agent Blake show you how to access these sites?

WISE: I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me.

COULSON: Uh huh.

WISE: What’s that?

COULSON: Flash drive.

WISE: You stuck it to the screen.

COULSON: Yes.

_Seven seconds of silence._

WISE: Your badge said you’re a Level Seven agent.

COULSON: Yes.

WISE: And agent Blake is a Level Eight, right?

COULSON: Yes.

WISE: You’re a Level Seven agent and you’re hacking into a Level Eight agent’s computer.

COULSON: Yes.

WISE: I don’t think I get how the numbers work around here.

COULSON: I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Good idea back tracking the chemical analyst of the items to toy companies that use similar materials. What made you think to go straight to their invoicing records to narrow down your choices though?

WISE: Uh… I used to work in billing before ending up here. It was always easy to spot a new client’s order.

COULSON: Why toy companies though?

WISE: Because they looked like toys?

COULSON: Makes sense.

WISE: Whoa; you guys track everyone in the building? Wait. Spies. What was I thinking?

COULSON. Come on. Unless you need more time to prefect that drum solo you were working on when I got here?

WISE: Nope. I’m good. Lead on.

** 3. **

**SECURITY FILE 25042/FRI3, AUDIO ONLY  
LOCATION: INTERROGATION ROOM 3**

Agent Jasper SITWELL: Think he’s about to break.

Agent Felix BLAKE: You think.

Agent Jimmy WOO: Well he has said more in the last ten minutes than he has in the last three hours.

BLAKE: About the joys of watching Cupcake Wars.

SITWELL: It’s something.

BLAKE: Well get me something else.

SITWELL: Right.

SITWELL: Coulson.

Agent Phillip J. COULSON: Sitwell.

BLAKE: Well; the prodigal son returns. Enjoy your little vacation, agent Coulson?

COULSON: Yes. Caught up on my soaps and found out who was sleeping with who; and got a few new ideas from Supernanny that I can use on Stark.

BLAKE: I’m sure agent Romanoff will be happy to hear that. Mind telling me why my so called assistant is following you like a lost puppy?

COULSON: Because your lost puppy just solved one of your cases.

BLAKE: What?

_10 seconds of silence._

BLAKE: Well I’ll be damned. You’re back ten minutes and already managed to close a case. See you haven’t lost your touch any, agent Coulson. Good work, Wise.

WISE: Thanks.

BLAKE: Next time you use my computer without my permission I will shoot you. Just so you know.

WISE: I’ll try and remember that.

COULSON: Might be worth showing her the ropes.

BLAKE: You been talking to Sit— What the hell…

_Pop._

_Thump._

BLAKE: Great.

WISE: Whoa! That guy just popped like a ballon! That’s awesome! Is that ectoplasma dripping down the window?

COULSON: Do you want—

BLAKE: No. I’ve got it. Do you really want to be a SHIELD agent? Great. You can help me clean this mess up.

WISE: What?

BLAKE: Which one of you comedians forgot to check to see if the suspect was actually human?

WISE: Okay, think I liked it better when you were ignoring me.

** 4. **

**SECURITY FILE 26002/FRA4, AUDIO ONLY  
LOCATION UNKNOWN**

Agent Melinda MAY: You can let go now, Phil.

Agent Philip J. COULSON: No; think I’ll just hold on until the ground is underneath the ship instead of above my head—or better still when my feet are firmly planted on the ground.

MAY: What are you complaining about? You’ve got a four point harness on.

COULSON: While in an alien ship flown by a maniac who thinks she’s a bird so not letting go any time soon, thank you very much.

MAY: Scaredy cat. Wonder what this does.

MAY: Ah, yes: we won’t do that again.

COULSON: Yeah, because what could possibly go wrong when you push the big red button?

Agent Maria HILL: May! Get that damn thing back in the hanger before you start freaking the civilians out. I don’t need this on YouTube.

MAY: We’re cloaked; they can’t—

HILL: You’re leaving contrails up and down the east coast!

COULSON: Oh good; they can track us then.

MAY: Hm. We shouldn’t be doing that. Maybe if I go higher…

COULSON: We go any higher we’ll hit the International Space Station.

MAY: Your point?

HILL: Agent May.

MAY: Yes?

HILL: Don’t make me come up there.

MAY: Right. Heading back to the barn now.

COULSON: I owe you one, agent Hill.

HILL: I’ll add it to your tab.

** 5. **

**SECURITY FILE 31730/FRC1, AUDIO ONLY  
LOCATION: OFFICE OF AGENT PHIL COULSON**

Director Nicholas J. FURY (Jr.): So; survived your first day I see.

Agent Phillip J. COULSON: Yeah. Thanks for throwing me at Q, by the way.

FURY: You got yourself killed during a mission—you had that coming, Cheese.

COULSON: Suppose I did. So are you just here to check up on me or…

FURY: You eaten yet?

COULSON: Grabbed something in the cafeteria after surviving May’s little roadtrip.

FURY: You do know you were supposed to keep that thing on the ground, right?

COULSON: You let May near a ship she’s never flown before. What did you expect was going to happen?

FURY: Yeah, okay, I’ll admit that one was my fault.

_4 seconds of silence._

FURY: What?

COULSON: Just trying to figure out if I’m in the mirror universe or something.

FURY: If we were in the mirror universe, you’d be on this side of the desk.

COULSON: Probably. You mentioned food?

FURY: No, I asked if you had eaten. Not the same thing.

COULSON: Mala gave me back my gun you know.

_Snort of laughter._

FURY: There’s a new pizza place near Battery Park; says they make the best Chicago style pizza east of Chicago.

COULSON: This your way of apologizing?

FURY: Hell no; this is me treating myself for not shooting anyone during the annual budget meeting.

COULSON: Ah. My mistake. Thought you might have grown a heart or something while I was gone.

FURY: You haven’t been gone that long, Cheese. So, you coming?

COULSON: Yeah, just give me a few minutes. Don’t want to give your secretary any more fuel than she already has when she gives me the full welcome back routine tomorrow. You and the Colonel didn’t have to rein her in by the way. I’m fine now.

FURY: Do you really think she listens to either one of us? I’m guessing she just wanted to see what condition you’re in for herself before plotting her revenge.

COULSON: Yeah, you’re probably right.

FURY: I’m always right. Just holler when you’re ready to go. Oh, and by the way…

COULSON: My Captain America cards? I was wondering where these went.

COULSON: Did you have them cleaned or something?

FURY: Don’t ask.

COULSON: Nick.

FURY: Not listening.

_Chair moving. Rapid footsteps._

COULSON: Nick! What the hell did you do to my cards?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All characters (with the exception of Mala) belong to Marvel. No profit is being made from this fic.
> 
> Author Note: ~~This was written before the S.H.I.E.L.D. series started so I have no idea how May will be played. (Also don't know what Blake's first name is so I'll fix that when canon gets around to giving us that.)~~ Fixed!
> 
> 'Q' (Boothroyd) is technically in Strange Tales #137.
> 
> Also- In the 616 verse, classic Fury is a Level 10 agent, Maria Hill a Level 9, and Coulson is a Level 7 in the movies. Since it looked like Blake might be used to assigning cases to agents I made him a Level 8-- not that Coulson pays any attention to that.


End file.
